Worth Your Weight

August 16, 2009

Hello, Hello Again

Filed under: weblog — worthyourweight @ 10:20 pm


So I’ve been on a sabbatical of sorts from blogging. It’s kind of a joke because I was never the most prolific blogger, but I still felt pressure because I tried at least to do one post a week. If you blog, you know how time-consuming that can be, depending on the content. If you don’t blog, you would not believe how involving it can be (or at least I didn’t until I tried it myself ;)). Heck, I’m sure those of you who are strictly commenters know how engaging the Fatosphere interaction often is. I found myself following and participating in many discussions to the extent that I was like, “Real Life, stop hogging my online time.” So I just took a while off to see if I could use the time I spent blogging/reading blogs/commenting to advance other projects like getting better at pool and drawing/painting.

Away from the Fatosphere, I didn’t feel as confident in fat acceptance. To counteract this, I started reading more of the FA canon books to keep a toe in the water. But now I’ve decided to try and blog again and see how it goes. I once saw on another blog the pledge to blog without obligation. That’s what I’m going to try to do. I greatly admire the bloggers who post meaty and often. I wish I could be like that, but I don’t think I ever will be. (I think I just had a blog acceptance moment :P) Anyway, just didn’t want to jump right in with a new post without a little explaining. Hello again, everyone!

October 15, 2008

The gift of fat acceptance

Filed under: fat acceptance, weblog — worthyourweight @ 11:48 pm

Worth Your Weight hit the one-year mark last week. Whoa. Like some FA bloggers have said, my own blog grew out of the desire to stop spamming other FA blogs with tome-like comments. Blogging takes more dedication than commenting, though, and I have a whole new appreciation for bloggers who update frequently. It takes a lot of time and effort. Unfortunately, I’m not able to comment and update as much as I’d like to, but it’s still nice to feel like part of an FA community. I must thank Fat Fu for that.

I am very thankful for all of you. Yep, even those I debated with — even when we couldn’t agree, even when we couldn’t persuade the other, you made me refine my argument and for that I am grateful. Readers and commenters here … well, you make this place what it is. You keep me coming back myself, and I’m really honored by our interaction. Thank you for visiting, sharing, lurking. You make me smile and further my journey.

My own FA progress is coming along nicely. Not perfect by any means. I still have at least one “I hate being fat” moment a day. Yet, resisting the urge/imperative to diet is getting easier.  I actually shudder to think if I’d never stumbled across FA. But I wish I had done so earlier, like back in college or even high school.

Fat acceptance is truly a gift. It’s given me my life back to some extent. Before FA, no matter what accomplishments I had elsewhere — no matter what successes I imagined/hoped for/fantasized about — there was always the glaring “failure” of still being fat. I sometimes avoided going out because of being fat. I’m sometimes still tempted to hide, on a low or blue day.

This may be naive, but I think if fat haters/concern trolls could exist in the mind of a fat person for a day and truly experience the loneliness, guilt, self-hatred, shame, self-esteem suicide, and pain fat people deal with every day and have dealt with every day, every hour, day in, day out, year after year … just maybe they’d let up. I feel all this stuff on a regular basis, and I’m actively pursuing being a fat-positive woman! Sometimes I just think the anti-fat people believe fat shaming and hatred is no big whoop. Like a paper cut or something. Rolls off the back rolls. Erm, no. It’s more like being stabbed in the back, through the heart — and then twist.

Here’s something that sounds completely bonkers. My school friends knew I was fat. I was fat in school. Yet, years later I avoided meeting up because I hadn’t succeeded in losing any weight. Madness. It made complete sense to me at the time, and now I’m just like, “Huh?” They knew you were fat! Why would they have expected you to become perfect in the interim?

There are many paths I shunned because I thought fat stood in the way. (That includes romantic avenues. Yes, s/he is interested in you! Yes! Go for it. Even if you’re wrong, rejection is less painful than regret, IMO.) No more. It’s little acts of standing up for myself, but there are bigger things in the works, too.

I wear sleeveless shirts again. I used to whenever I wanted but then got self-conscious about my upper arms. Heh, guess what? Thin women have the water wings o’ flesh that undulate when they wave goodbye, too. Mine are larger. So what?

Another little thing is that I’ve allowed myself to wear watches and wrist cuff/bands again. I had been taught that they aren’t for larger arms. That bracelets and the like should gracefully slide halfway towards the elbow. Forget that noise. Mine may stay firmly at wrist, depending on the selection for that day. And that’s just fine. I like knowing the time, and I enjoy jewelry I’ve acquired over the years.

For years, I’ve put off a return to Japan until I’ve lost weight. (I grew up there as “The Fattest Girl in the World,” but strangely photographs of me at the time contradict how I was treated and how I felt — a common experience, post-FA.) At least now the only thing standing in my way is money.

The crux of fat acceptance, in my view, is that fat is a natural variation that’s been unjustly vilified, and the high-pressure attempts to correct it actually make one fatter. It’s not that the default human is thin and fat people are rebelling against the norm. We’re part of the norm. There’s short and tall. There’s black hair, brown hair, red hair, and blond hair. There’s brown eyes, green eyes, and blue eyes. (Not to mention the myriad combinations.) Why is it at all logical to assume thin is the only size humans are supposed to be and fat is a deviation? It’s really not.

Basically, the gift that is fat acceptance (including HAES) is enabling me to learn how to be (more) myself … not wanting to be anybody else, including thin. It’s a rough ride at times. Sometimes it’s like a summer drive at dusk with my favorite song on the radio. But at least I’m on it, you know. I feel lucky to have accidentally made my way aboard. Roll on.

September 7, 2008

To flounce or not to flounce?

Filed under: weblog — worthyourweight @ 8:12 pm

I understand the urge to flounce. I think it’s a very human one. But I’ve known it’s looked down upon since the wild, wild West of Usenet. (“Just leave already! No need to draw attention to yourself with a big melodramatic ‘goodbye, cruel Web’ post.”) While some flouncers are seeking drama/attention, I think there are many who simply want to say goodbye and let others know why they may no longer be seeing them around.

The Fatosphere in-fighting is demoralizing. It used to be an uplifting and inspirational place, for me anyway. I’ve only been involved a little over a year, but now the idea of walking away is relieving some anxiety and feels freeing.

Am I the only one worried that fighting amongst ourselves is preventing us from banding together to advance fat acceptance? I can’t imagine I am. Is this what’s kept FA a fringe movement for over three decades? What a shame. Is there no way to unite behind a common goal despite all our differences — of opinion, experience, politics, religion, etc.? I don’t know.

I still miss Disturbing Brew. It saddens me that Big Fat Kiss has recently left. Now, Fabulously Fat College Student is leaving, too. (I’m not sure why, but I’m curious.) There have been others who have moved on in the past year as well. Every time I wonder if FA just got weaker.

When we spend so much time fighting each other, who’s left to fight for fat acceptance? Maybe some participants in the Fatosphere aren’t interested in furthering the cause. ::shrug:: I just can’t tell anymore. But isn’t FA worth banding together for, even if we can agree on nothing else?

So if I end up closing this blog or making it private, you can always reach me at worthyourweight [at] gmail [dot] com. I’ll be happy to keep in touch and/or grant you access to the posts.

If you do not find God [or good, for you atheists] in the next person you meet, it is a waste of time looking for Him further.                       

Mahatma Gandhi

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