Think you have a “double chin” and hate it?

Let The Judgment of Paris wash away those negative thoughts. At first, I was almost put off by the name of the site and forum because “judgment” carries some negative connotations [ETA: I should have noted especially Paris'], but I’m glad I forged ahead because I just happened upon this thread about “that most sensual, most seductive of all facial features, the ’slight rise’ of a ’slope towards the throat,’ which Renaissance writers held to be the epitome of feminine beauty” and was able to view an often maligned and despised part of a woman’s body from a new perspective.

I hope I’m not easy to brainwash or anything, but I felt happier after reading through that post and the comments. I could actually see where they were coming from, and that’s a first for me when it comes to the dreaded “wattle.” I can’t wait to go exploring the rest of this site and its forum. Here’s to fresh (or restored) ways of looking at things and people …

 

A victory for fat acceptance?

Fans of a certain reality show, be warned: spoilers ahoy.

RadFA

In response to Whiny, Shrill and Hysterical Oh My! – and if my comment(s) ever show up there, please forgive the redundancy.

IMO, dieters by definition aren’t fat acceptors. If they were, they wouldn’t be dieting. I think to bend over backwards to somehow include them in a movement they don’t even subscribe to is pointless. It negates pretty much everything we’re fighting for. I happen to believe what I quoted on my blog yesterday — one’s wanting to lose weight leads to our oppression. And for a commenter on another blog to insinuate anti-diet-ers (as in against diets) are closet pro-lifers is just SO GROSS.

So I’m “radical,” I guess. But I choose to view that in its pure form meaning “root” rather than “extreme.”

Size acceptance is a different movement, IMO. That’s to help individuals in their own brains, with their views of themselves. Fat people need that, too.

BUT fat people also need accepted by others. Thin people already are. Fat acceptance is for individuals *and* society at large. Personally I see fat rights and fat acceptance as intertwined. Sure, society will never be divested of all prejudice(s), but it could be a lot more tolerant climate, IYKWIM. It could be even better than tolerant, I think. When fat is not accepted — when it’s viewed as less than — it’s easy to dismiss the need for rights. Have we learned nothing from other oppressed groups who were initially kept down because they were viewed as less than?

If dieters truly care about fat rights, fine. Start an offshoot group Dieters for Fat Rights. I’m not sure I could take you seriously (not putting your money where your mouth is), but if that’s what you believe and want to fight for, have at it.

Having pro-diet ANYthing within a so-called fat acceptance space is a destructive message to fledgling fat acceptors. They don’t need to hear it in the fatosphere when they hear it everydamnwhere else.

IMO (third time).

More love for Pattie

I highly recommend reading Dr. Pattie Thomas’ book Taking Up Space. Now, IIRC she caveats this comment to the point of pretty much nullifying it, but I only noted the part that impressed me. So that’s what I’m quoting here.

[...]“your wanting to lose weight leads to my oppression”[...]

Every single one of the above activities [plastic surgery, WLS, no-fat diet, food/activity journaling, Weight Watchers et al., over-exercise, diet pills] is dependent upon a portrayal of my body or a body similar to mine as unacceptable. [...]

As much as those decisions are personal, they are based on an understanding of fatness that asserts that someone who looks like me is stupid, lazy, over-indulgent, and greedy. I don’t object to the activities. I object to the demonization.

This is really powerful for me. It explains perfectly why the cover image of this weight loss memoir (published by Seal Press! LOL) is so disturbing/insulting. Wow, you’ve shrunk yourself so you can fit your entire body into one leg of your old pair of pants. What about the women who still wear that size of pants?

Another thing that’s really stuck with me from her book is Pattie’s excellent point — one I’ve not encountered much — that fat discrimination actually hurts everyone in that talented people aren’t utilized to their fullest when denied opportunities because of being fat. Fat discrimination squanders a valuable pool of human resources.

I’ve also already linked a couple times before to her essay “Top 10 Things I’m Tired of Discussing” (PDF)*. The title sounds off-putting, but it’s well worth a read. It’s where I learned to change my perspective about people who use scooters while shopping. Granted, I wasn’t anywhere near the perspective of the jerk mentioned here (whose rant was correctly identified by Big Liberty as hate speech). But I did feel like, “Oh, I feel bad that person has to use a scooter.”

Well, let me tell ya, I feel good and happy when I see scooter drivers now. I beam at posts like Boombatti’s “Paul Prudhomme Rocks.” I have Pattie Thomas to thank. She writes:

I love that there are some fat people out there who are just being themselves and who assert the space to be themselves. I also love the fat people who are visible at the Wal-mart on the electric scooters. I love fat people who use their walking poles and get out for a stroll. I love fat travelers who demand a space on the beach to simply be. I love fat
people who fight for a seat on the airplane. I love fat people who demand a comfortable seat at the theatre, the doctor’s office or the classroom. You see, I think that any visible fat person is a good thing because we are told to make ourselves as invisible as possible.

Me, too. Pattie, you taught me this. Now I grin and say to myself, “You show ‘em,” when I see a fat person reclaim her place in the world by “daring” to shop from a scooter.

Pattie also has a blog, although the last update was in December: http://fattypatties.blogspot.com/

*Big Fat Blog turned me onto this essay

Have you eaten yet?

When I was recently a-Googling how to write “Have you eaten yet?” in Chinese, I found an excellent essay on the common Chinese greeting.

On the surface, the question “Have you eaten yet?”, a common salutation among various Asian populations, may seem a bit odd. However, in today’s parlance, it is similar to such phrases as “how are you?”, “what’s up?”, “good morning,” and “good day” as a greeting when initiating conversation, communication, and interaction.

In the pre-industrial agricultural era, frequent natural disasters and warfare only added to the hardship of most Asians’ lives. When three square meals a day were the exception and not the rule, a good meal and a warm bed were considerable blessings. Consequently, in an age of material scarcity, asking someone if they’d eaten was a projection of one’s own state of being and thus conveyed caring and good will, as if saying, “I hope you are not enduring hunger and have had a meal.”

So, “Have you eaten yet?”

When you hear people greet you in this way in Asia, they really are concerned if you’ve eaten. If you respond by saying, ‘No, I haven’t eaten,’ many gracious Asians will ask you to be their guest for a meal on the spot to have you enjoy the true satisfaction of a good meal. The colloquial Chinese phrase, “a person taking a meal is as untouchable as the emperor,” puts this respect for satisfying humanity’s need for survival into crystal clear focus in a colorful manner.

Rooted in a humanist perspective, “have you eaten yet?” further contains Asian values of pragmatism. Hunger signifies the need to eat, and many Asians, whose self-expression is restrained and subtle, are not afraid to exemplify the guiding principle of survival that “the people live for food” and to extend that concept into their daily lives as a customary phrase of communication. Thus the rhetorical question, “have you eaten yet?” represents an approach to communication that encompasses humanity’s physical instincts and Asians’ living conditions. Reflecting a “self-awareness” and thinking, at the same time it evokes a Golden Rule (putting oneself in the place of others) condition of sharing and communication values.

In my search, I also found a post that addressed how certain answers to “Have you eaten yet?” might be perceived by the asker.

From the blog “Ai ya!”:

Interestingly, answers that may seem “okay” or acceptable in the US would be considered rude in Asia. For example, consider the following:

(older person) “Have you eaten yet?”
(you) “No thanks, I’m on a diet.”
(older person thinks: What a snob, and what a conversation-killer)

Another scenario:
(friend) “have you eaten yet?”
(you) “No thanks, I just ate.”
(friend thinks: she ate without me? or she doesn’t want to spend time with me? oh how rejected I feel….)

So what is a good, yet financially sound, solution that will please everyone in every country? Consider the following:

“Not yet, it’s only 3PM; why don’t we go somewhere first to talk/shop/study?”

“Not yet, why don’t you come over and I’ll cook for both of us?”

“Not yet; there’s a new (re: cheap) place I’ve been meaning to try, let’s go there.”

“Not yet; why don’t we call up the gang and let’s all go out to eat.” (the strategy here being, more people to split the cost and/or share dishes)

A little diplomacy goes a long way…for your wallet, too.

It struck me that an answer that would seem virtuous in the U.S. — “I’m on a diet” — is seen as snobby and rude.

In the comments to the post at “Ai ya!” the point is made that there are other cultures that celebrate food and eating instead of puritanically controlling it. The commenters mention Jewish and Latin cultures.

I’m Jewish and it’s definitely one I associate with my sub-culture where one is always being urged to “Eat! Eat! What? You don’t like what I make?”

and

…food = nurturing in Latin cultures, too!…we use food to show love…and, food is a main component of any major occasion…my family…

Another comment I liked that I happened upon in my search, from a travel guide site:

In China if you greeting as:”Have you eaten already?” nobody will think”Do you want to treat me to a dinner.” they just think you are care for him/her .they will be pleased.

I love that! They will think that you care and will be pleased. It would be so great if more of us could think of food and eating as caring for ourselves and about others and not some bean counting punishment or just filling up our bodies’ “gas tanks.” I think more of us would be pleased …

Off-topic: Other perspectives

http://apostate.wordpress.com/2008/04/14/oh-the-silencing/

http://apostate.wordpress.com/2008/04/25/it-wont-stop/

http://apostate.wordpress.com/2008/04/26/race-for-an-eternal-expat/

http://womensspace.wordpress.com/2008/04/25/so-what-do-you-do/

http://womensspace.wordpress.com/2008/04/25/villagers-in-the-town-square-torches-blazing/

Feed your head

Worth Your Weight is now on the Fat Liberation feed! Thanks for adding me ^_^

You can read more about the feed here … and while you’re there, check out Big Liberty’s latest post. It’s defo food for thought.

Now, shhh. No one tell that I have tendencies toward democratic socialism

Before and After (and Before): The Right to Be Pretty

Is fat acceptance working?

I’d been trying to avoid weight loss ads, but found myself recently paying attention to them … with a new focus.

Before pictures in weight loss ads look GOOD to me! I think FA is working for my eyes, and it gives me hope that we can change everyone’s eyes and add a new way of looking at fat.

Allowing myself the possibility that fat can be attractive, to not automatically discount it because I’m instructed by my culture to do so has lifted the scales from my eyes — well, maybe except for the corner of one eye I use to look at myself sometimes.

I am proof people CAN change how they look at fat! I never thought I could but it’s happening. This is a new one for me, and I credit fat acceptance.

Here’s a woman before and after WLS:

I think she looked great before she had the surgery.

Here’s Christian Finnegan, “Best Week Ever” panelist:

He’s even cuter before.

Here’s another woman, this time after WLD:

She was just as pretty before the weight loss.

These are but three examples. When I happen upon a weight loss ad or a weight loss reality show, I catch myself finding the participants just as attractive as (or even more so) before the weight loss. Yes, the “after” shots in these before&after’s are better quality pictures usually: new hairstyle, make-up, dressed to the nines in well-fitting clothes. But it’s really the confidence the “before” is lacking that the “after” has when basking in societal approval. Confidence is so, so much to do with it. That is exactly what we must claim/reclaim: the confidence to exist just the way we are.

I recently came across my diet journal, which includes various snippets of “thinspiration,” including the “Half Their Size!” People magazine from January ‘06 (I got this to plaster on my wall for motivation). Looking at it now, with new eyes, I see how many of the before pix are showing beautiful people the way they are … it’s really the confidence to own themselves that’s lacking, if anything.

One note to myself in my horridly dysfunctional diet journal is that “even plus size YIM avatars look bad.” Jeez, how brainwashed was I?

They actually look closer to “average size” than plus size, IMO. And they look great. I think it’s cool Yahoo Avatars added some plus size outfits. I wish they’d take it even further.

It’s really such a pleasant surprise, this new way of looking at fat. Some imagery not in the before/after vein that has also helped widen my perspective include Beth Ditto on the cover of NME, the adipositivity project (here’s my current fave from there [NSFW]), and — OK, this one’s a bit unusual, but — the guy from the “American Idol” auditions who dressed like Princess Leia from the beginning of Return of the Jedi:

I may be in the minority on this one, but I think his body looks good with the outfit. And oddly enough, it’s made me think that maybe, just maybe, if I wanted to cosplay as Princess Leia or any character, I could do that and enjoy myself. I never thought this before. Cosplay was definitely out of bounds for me because of my fat, pre-FA.

I realize some people think the “right to be pretty” isn’t important. But I do. Here’s why.

The “right to be pretty” isn’t frivolous. It’s the right to EXIST. To be indoctrinated that NO ONE could ever possibly find you attractive is to negate your very existence. It denies not only your looks but also it says that no other part of you can possibly make up for your looks — your “lack of good looks” eclipses the rest of you as a person. It wants to render you worthless.

“Such a pretty face … if only …”
“All fat women can do to be attractive is their nails.”
WTF? How dare people be so narrow-minded as to dismiss a whole PERSON based on one attribute (fat).

To tell (and convince) fat people that they are unattractive is to dehumanize them. It seeks to make a part of them worthless and that can bleed into other areas of their lives. The “right to be pretty” is a step in accepting the whole person and normalizing fat bodies. The urge to mate is a strong biological drive — if not the strongest (rivaled only by, what, eating and drinking?). Beauty is tied to attraction is tied to love. Teaching a fat person she/he is unattractive forevermore is teaching her that she’s unlovable and unhuman.

It’s a tool of the haters to say (and make us and others believe) fat=ugly. How do those types of people even know if they naturally find fat people unattractive? They didn’t grow up in a vacuum. They grew up in an anti-fat culture! They weren’t allowed to view fat as attractive, if they chose to.

We really can’t pretend that there’s no conditioning involved when it comes to attractiveness. It is not solely biological/genetic/primal. When TPTB decide someone’s “The Hottest” and you just kinda scratch your head. Hrmm. Everyone, it seems, jumps on the bandwagon. Double hrmm. For me, examples include Gisele Bundchen and Jennifer Barretta. I know some find them “hawt” and I can understand why, even though I don’t agree (I especially don’t agree that pool table+bikini is hot, let alone makes any sense).

But sometimes I really do believe regular folks think a certain celeb is hot merely because they were told to. I came across a very interesting comment a few years back that suggested had Hugh Hefner’s preference run toward darker and larger women, that would be the current beauty ideal. It’s a fascinating and scary hypothesis to think that one man has managed to impose his aesthetics on the rest of his culture.

Do you ever get the sense that people just do as they’re told when it comes to what’s/who’s considered attractive? Like, the media decides a certain starlet is über-hot, and all of a sudden, the majority follows suit. I find it especially jarring when the “celebrated hottie” is actually not hot at all. Equally frustrating is when I find a person beautiful, but their body type dictates they aren’t permitted to be considered beautiful. Like why are “butterfaces” (a horrible term, yes) still categorized as “hot,” but the inverse (butterbodies? i.e., beautiful faces with not conventionally attractive bodies) not?

“A resourceful woman who is almost downright plain can achieve the reputation of a beauty simply by announcing to everybody she meets that she is one.”
–Erté

It’s what the media does, too. Many “Most Beautiful/Most Sexy/Most Hottest” are but constructions of the media.

The women (all celebs, natch) considered “the most beautiful in the world” are considered ugly by some. Those same non-fans acknowledge the fans’ ability to find the celebs attractive. Clavicles showing (I remember that part in The English Patient, the Almásy Bosphorous) — I don’t find that in the least attractive, but I can see why others do. That’s what’s missing when it comes to the general view of fat and attractiveness — an as-you-please to be “permitted” to find whatever you like attractive. Again, attracted to versus finding attractive are two different things. I am not attracted to women, but I find a great many of them attractive.

Frankly, I don’t find bones sticking out attractive. I know some do, and I see how they can be seen as attractive. That’s all I ask/hope for when it comes to fat. If you don’t find it attractive (and I don’t believe this is an innate, primal preference at all … I think it can be learned/unlearned), at least open your eyes wide enough to see how someone else can see it as attractive. I mean, it has worked in the opposite direction, hasn’t it? The media has presented us with ever-shrinking ideals, and for the most part, we seem to have accepted them (as a society). Why wouldn’t a more inclusive media representation of beauty not only work in broadening our attraction horizons, but in increasing our respect for everyone, no matter how they differ from us?

And I may be El Capitan Obvious here, but if the media chose to feature different sizes, those sizes would become accepted. If men and women were told it was OK to find a plus-size woman/man attractive by virtue of one being on the cover of FHM or whatever, they would/could find them attractive. They’d be given permission to and perhaps allow themselves or at least others to, too. I wish for a democratic view of attractiveness and beauty. I think a great deal more people are and can be considered attractive than currently “permitted” — by themselves and their societies.

When fat people view themselves as ugly, it reminds me of how fat peoples’ lives are adversely affected by the ill treatment they receive because they’re fat, NOT adversely affected by the fat itself. Perhaps fat people believe they are ugly because of the treatment they receive, not because of their fat itself.

The “right to be pretty” is twofold: from within and from without.

On the right to be pretty from within, here’s a comment I saved from Jezebel.com by girlinterrupted:

“It’s so easy to love yourself. You just DO IT. You wake up one day sick of hating yourself, sick of the energy wasted on hating yourself and trying to change yourself, sick of the fact that whether you are fat or skinny, society will still judge you, and you realize that all you have to do to win is drop out of the fucking race. And you DO IT. It’s so easy.

I have worn a size 14/16 since puberty. I woke up one day with big boobs, big hips, and my period, and that was all she wrote. When I hated myself, I didn’t get hit on. Now I get hit on every day. The only thing that has changed? My attitude.

Seriously, love yourself. It’s so much easier than hating yourself.”

If we can convince ourselves we deserve to love ourselves and be loved (and do it), that would convince us that we don’t deserve the ill treatment. To stand up for oneself, one must respect oneself: the “right to be pretty” represents that self-esteem. It could just as easily be the right to be smart, the right to be industrious, the right to smell good, the right to be fit — anything that contradicts the tired old stereotypes used as weapons against fat people. The “right to be pretty” is a right that’s more than skin-deep. It’s the right to exist in the world. To be seen and looked upon. The right to allow oneself to be seen as pretty. The right to allow others to see you as pretty. It’s really about the right to be seen, to have a visual voice.

On the right to be pretty from without — I’ve covered this quite a bit above, but also a lot of what the “fat is unattractive always” bleaters find attractive IS a result of conditioning. So it wouldn’t kill them to broaden their perspective. I have done so. It came out of the blue and was a very nice surprise, but I just have to wonder since it’s happened for me, can it happen for others?

So, no, fat-haters, I won’t ask you to be attracted to us. I will expect that you find us attractive — in that others have been, can be, and are attracted to us fat people and that you can appreciate why that is, if only you put your glasses on.

We fat people are dismissed on the basis of our looks. Why would it not be a worthy endeavor to fight for acceptance of our looks? According to the rest of the world, our looks and what they (erroneously) “prove” about our character ARE the problem. It’s the justification for discriminating against us. Even when a person concedes that fat is beyond a person’s control and is not unhealthy, etc. — he still ultimately says, “But it’s still fucking ugly.”

The “right to be pretty” is the right to *be* — and the right to be more inclusive.

You CAN be fat and beautiful
and fat and smart
and fat and fit
and fat and whateverthehellyouplease …

You CAN be fat and *BE*.

Kudos to you!

I would like to thank all the fat acceptance bloggers, readers, commenters, and lurkers. In building this community, you’ve exposed me to ideas that have helped me reclaim my life and my body. It’s hard to express how thankful I am for that.

I also wanted to thank Fat Fu for taking a chance on a new kid and adding me to the Notes from the Fatosphere feed. I am certain that had she not, this blog probably would not have been read even once. Notes from the Fatosphere has not only made my own FA blog-reading very convenient but also it’s helped give a shape to the FA community (”yes, round is a shape” ;)).

I’d like to give extra props to the bloggers that update frequently. I find it difficult to keep up with my own goal of posting weekly. So color me highly impressed that there are those of you who do so several times a week.

(Just felt like showing some love after Worth Your Weight turned six months old.)

Hated to Death

I recently encountered a statement along the lines of “No one has ever been killed by fat hatred.”

SeaFATtle’s A Place at the Table Memorials* asks us to reconsider if such a statement is true:

“A Place At the Table” honors the memory of people whose lives were needlessly shortened by size prejudice, discrimination based on weight, or fear of fat, and whose deaths were caused (or significantly contributed to) by such factors. Some of these people include:

• those who have died as a result of weight-loss dieting, including the immediate effects of crash diets, as well as the long-term harm caused by yo-yo dieting;
• those who have died from side effects and complications from weight-loss drugs like “fen/phen”;
• those who have died from weight-loss surgery and its complications, after having their health ruined and their lives shortened by its long-term effects;
• those who have died from eating disorders, which happen as a direct consequence of this culture’s phobia about fat and the resulting pressure to be thin at any cost;
• those who have been misdiagnosed, or received misguided or inadequate medical care, by practitioners and insurance companies who couldn’t (or wouldn’t) see beyond their size and treat the real problem in time;
• those who had been so mistreated and abused by the medical profession because of their weight that they lost all faith in it, and so failed to go for diagnosis and treatment for a problem until it was too late;
• those who were refused medical insurance because of their weight, or were denied jobs because of the size prejudice of potential employers, and were therefore unable to afford necessary medical treatment that could have prolonged or saved their lives;
• those who died in abusive relationships, whose abusers focused on their weight or used it as an excuse to continue their battering;
• those who, in moments of pain and despair when the fatphobic ridicule and rejection became too much to bear, have taken their own lives

The exhibit has 13 memorials thus far.  Each one is heartbreaking. Here is Kelly Yeomans’:

Kelly Yeomans was a thirteen-year-old girl who lived in Allenton, Derbyshire, a working-class town northeast of London. People described her as kind and caring, bubbly and charming. She played the tambourine in the Salvation Army Band. She visited with the elderly people at a local senior citizens’ home.

Kelly was teased and bullied by her schoolmates about her weight for years. They called her “fatty,” put salt in her lunch, and dumped her clothes in the garbage. Kelly tried to escape the abuse, to avoid giving the other kids the opportunity. She would wait until everyone else had gone before she’d leave gym class, so no one would see her in her gym clothes. She told school authorities that she was being harassed at school and at home, but nothing was done.

In the summer of 1997, the harassment got worse. For several nights running, a group of mo[r]e than a dozen teenagers gathered outside her family’s house. They shouted taunts, made jokes about lard and fat, and called her “Smelly Kelly.” They started tossing eggs at the house, and someone threw a package of butter through a window.

Kelly told her parents, “It’s nothing to do with you, but I can’t stand it anymore. I’m going to take an overdose.” Her family knew she was unhappy, but they didn’t believe she really meant it…but she did. On the night of September 28, Kelly Yeomans took an overdose of painkillers. Her parents found her dead in her bed the next morning.

*The site is currently down, but I’m linking to the Internet Archive’s cached version(s). Not all links may work, but I will update with a current link as soon as/if one becomes available.